Control Yourself for Goodness Sake

I'm pretty sure everyone deep down wants to one day make a massive dramatic scene. You know those occasions where you can picture it perfectly, someone's getting on your last nerve and you have that perfect sharp insult in mind and your eyes on the most slammable door, but you hold your tongue for one reason or another. I've reached this point so many times it's unbearable, you just want to say "You know what (slam down/crush item you're holding) you're nothing but a(n) -insert your true uninhibited thoughts on him/her/it here-" before leaving, pushing as many things over or out of your way as you go, but you pass it off because you: need a job for money/you've already arranged to do something later in the week with that person and they're paying/you're in a china shop. Though you always do reserve the feelings, save it for another time when you'll definately seize the opportunity with both hands and squash someones overly large ego down to real size. But what if we never ever do? I don't know about you, but I don't like the idea of dying without leaving the legacy of a really ugly tantrum and some shell-shocked person in my wake. I mean if they never know what you really think, or even if they know but only increased in smugness knowing you couldn't say anything, they may well stand up at your funeral and claim how you two were the best of friends, claiming all sympathy for themselves. You can't exactly jump out of your coffin screaming "LIAR! I HATE THEM!", though if you did that would probably be the most dramatic set up for such a scene. I wonder how long it would take for your parents to forgive you after that...

Philosophical Dealings

Q: Is this a question?
A: Is this an answer?
No that's another question you idiot.

The Customer is Always Right... Sometimes... Maybe...

You never realise just how annoying customers are, or how you as a customer are, until you are working behind the till. Tapping your fingers impatiently along the edge as you wait for your change will definately make me stop, grit my teeth, then retrieve your change as slowly as possible. No tapping fingers? You'll get your change in no time at all. It might sound a bit like an attitude problem on my behalf, but when you've been sat at the till for hours on end and people are rude or just plain ignore you, it makes you want to force feed them receipts. There are also the "trolley teeterers" as I like to call them, the ones who stand nervously between two tills, pitting them off against one another. You look across at your work-mate, they look across at you, a sense of competition is suddenly in the air. How will the winner be decided? Well it's usually who looks the most lonely. We're each trying to lose. It's when they catch you off guard that's sometimes the worst: "You look a bit lonely here!" or "Came over to keep you company!". I'm sure they mean well but it's not exactly the best of conversation starters. I mean, if I really was lonely at my till and you came over with that cracker of a line, I'm sure it would be very uncomfortable for you if I burst into tears and divulged my years of loneliness at being misunderstood and how my job makes me contemplate suicide, but then when I think of the customers and how they really understand me, life just makes sense again. -blows nose on receipt-. What I'm stressing here is that a simple "Hello there" will suffice, you can keep your scale of lonely judgement to yourself, don't want to cause a scene after all. Of course there are the lovely customers, it's just that one customer that comes along asking whether or not you have "crushed cloves" or some other request, to which you reply "I'm pretty sure we don't", then they demand to speak to a supervisor, who'll obviously know better than someone working on the tills or shop floor because everyone knows that when you become a supervisor you are mentally wired to the shop, you and the shop are ONE BEING. "No sorry we don't do crushed cloves." says the supervisor, ahh that bitter remorse of the customer twice wronged. Soak it all up and revel in that fleeting sense of smugness and slight superiority, even if it does come from knowing the spices and condiments aisle better than your own kitchen cupboards.

Blag a Blog

I have been watching Outnumbered pretty much all day today, it's definately my favourite show at the moment, not that you're really bothered about what my favourite show is at the moment of course. The pressure to write a second post is crippling, well not quite, but it's still pretty tough. Topical discussion? Not very much to say really... Maybe a little talk about David Cameron, who I still refuse to refer to as Prime Minister. No matter what people say about Gordon, I love him. That sounds a bit weird and all but I'm not going to lie, I think he's lovely whereas Cameron is a slimy eel of a man. All in all, when it comes to politics everyone seems to know everything, when in actual fact they're pretty much blagging their way through these discussions. I can just picture it at some work get together, everyone very seriously discussing the state of our Government when really they're thinking "I have no idea what anyone is on about, maybe I'll throw in something about the recession again, God knows what that means...". It's always fun to watch people squirm like that, when they pretend like they know what they're talking about but then you catch them out and their whole front comes tumbling down. Made it sound a bit more dramatic than it really is there though haven't I, it's not really like some detective drama where you rip away the mask, humiliating the villain. I'm not saying that people who blag their way through serious discussion are criminals. Be fun if they were though, what would the punishment for that be? 10 years forced viewing of BBC 24 maybe? Then again I am pretty much blagging my way through this blog, I can hear the sirens now...

because it's so much better than marmite

Despite thinking the ratio of annoying whining indie kid bloggers to possibly sub-normal bloggers is about 100:1, I'm going to give this a shot. How can typing what you're thinking feel so awkward? Typical Britishness maybe? There is that constant awkwardness associated to most British people, and by most I mean Hugh Grant, whom most Americans seem to think makes up the entire population of Britain. Ahh getting a bit anti-American here... I don't dislike them, but I don't particularly like them either... Then again I hardly know everyone in America well enough to judge the country as a whole. I do judge people though, maybe too much. It becomes a bit of a hobby, which isn't a good sign, but it sure is fun when you're bored. People watching is a hobby of mine, even if that does sound sad and sort of stalker-like, it really is fun. It's like being at the zoo, you see all the different animals. Starbucks is the place for pretentious writers, which really is interesting. You see them on trains too with their apple macs, typing away with eyes shifting from side to side to make sure people are noticing and thinking "gee, this guy is really motivated and, from the looks of his material, he has a really unique outlook on life!" when really they're thinking "Smug bastard." and judging his sub-standard rip off of last years fleeting best seller about high flying executives who have affairs with women who have love children by dangerous men in prison but don't care what society thinks because they are strong, independent and filthy rich. Utter rubbish. I'm not exactly saying I can do any better, but if you're going to show off your writing in public places with the idle hope that maybe some publishing editor sat drinking a frappa mochachino with double espresso will spot them and see the potential for the next "big thing", then at least have absolute certainty that what you're so narcissisticly displaying is half-decent. Rant about smug starbuckians over, being judged myself for clearly thinking i'm incredibly clever for reading a fat non-fiction book on the bus about to begin. Karma, but I love it really.